A "so far..." review of "Silent Hill: Shattered Memories"

*WARNING - HERE BE SOME SPOILERS*

Well, I knew I had to prepare myself for disappointment, given I already disagreed with it being a remake and the Otherworld turning into Icy Winter Wonderland. But, wow, y'all. So far, it's just bites.

The controls are wonky, especially the door opening buttons. Whose genius idea was it to have one press the X button repeatedly? I'm glad I could use the left control stick to push it open, otherwise I would have a sore right thumb! (Yes, the Silent Hill series, along with many survival horror titles, have a history of bad controls; but those are easier compared to the ones in this game, trust me...) But seriously, one button should do the trick.

The lack of combat is a joke. Oh, I apologize. Apparently throwing flares or pushing down random bookshelves is the best you can do. If I was put into a similar situation (what a world it would be if that were the case...) I would kick more ass than Harry did. And I'd do it with a 2x4 with a nail at the end of it.

Running around aimlessly (oh wait, your helpful GPS-capable iPhone rip-off leaves a blue trail just in case you get turned around) is your only option! Don't forget to zigzag. No need though, since when you explore the town, there are no monsters! And the monsters are ALL THE SAME when you get to the Otherworld in the Fridge.

Don't even get me started on the story. In all its madness, it is weird for the sake of weird. The scares are almost nonexistent, unless you're real jumpy by nature. Everybody is being thrown in there without explanation, connections made in seconds. I mean, most of the females end up calling Harry which leads me to ask "how in the world did they get his number?!" No scene establishes this.

The camera-detecting-random-spirits thing is a ripoff from Fatal Frame. Wow, y'all who made this game. Really? You had to plagiarize (no, they didn't borrow it) an awesome aspect of a lesser-known series in order to bring something new to the series? No other word for this than: FAIL.

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Now, there are some good things. Calling the numbers and hearing the messages is the only good thing so far.

Making John Wyndham the founder of Midwich High was effing funny and appealed to the lit geek in me.

Yeah, pretty much it.

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Y'all want to play the original Silent Hill? Just call me and borrow my copy. Or, if in the very likely chance that you don't know me and can't borrow it, ask your hardcore gamer friend or just buy it off of eBay. Do anything but buy this game. If you do, you're getting a neutered, borderline plagiarizing, sanitized, high-school-drama-havin', nonsensical, weird-for-the-sake-of-weird retelling of a classic horror video game.

*exhales* Now, if y'all excuse me... I have some things to do. Like schoolwork, internship stuff, and chilling the hell down.

Expect a final review soon...