Ever since I was a kid, I never believed my own hype. I had people tell me that I was smart, even my kindergarten teacher had me tested for eidetic memory (which resulted in a "borderline" result) and I later ended up in the Gifted and Talented program in my school. Most teachers loved me, would cite me as an example of a good student, even though I wasn't always a straight-A student. One undergrad professor said that I "asked questions like a graduate student", while another cited my creative writing as "a breath of fresh air". My father even said that I was "one of the most intelligent people [he] knows".
What did I really think about myself? Wow, people's standards for intelligence have DROPPED if I'm considered part of that.*
But, like I just said, I never believed my own hype. In all honesty, I thought people were lying to me*. I always got the impression that if you were "smart", you had to be very careful how you presented yourself. If you were too much of a smarty-pants, there goes your chances of having a romantic partner or even friends! You would be the wet blanket, that person who always corrects everyone and brings down the party mood. Nobody enjoys your fact-spewing or your unusual references to literature almost no one reads. Big deal. Be like everyone else, smarts are not a good thing to have. You could alienate people.
And when did I start to believe my own hype? Believe it or not, my second therapist was the one. She was discussing some sort of concept about life stages. Once she was done explaining it to me, she asked if I wanted her to clarify anything. I said no, I thought she explained it well enough. To my shock, she revealed that I was one of the few patients she had where she didn't have to explain the concept further. That's when I thought holy crap, we just met and she thinks I'm smart. If this complete stranger thinks that, everyone else I know and love were right all along.**
I now do believe my own hype, but I don't let it get to my head. The praise I have received from family, friends, and many others make sense to me now. My approach to intelligence in general has remained the same: it is always changing, never be afraid to learn, and don't be afraid to be smart. I want my smarts to be used for good and nothing but good things. I don't want to make people feel stupid.
Lemme put it this way, if I throw a huge word out there and you want to know the definition, I will be more than happy to tell you.
*Man, I can be a real dick. Damn...
**I hate to say that it took a complete stranger to confirm what everyone else has been saying all along. But I want to be honest, even if it hurts (well, me in this case). To those that I know and love, I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. As you've seen, I can be a hard-headed jackass.
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