Reflections on Being a Smarty-Pants

Ever since I was a kid, I never believed my own hype. I had people tell me that I was smart, even my kindergarten teacher had me tested for eidetic memory (which resulted in a "borderline" result) and I later ended up in the Gifted and Talented program in my school. Most teachers loved me, would cite me as an example of a good student, even though I wasn't always a straight-A student. One undergrad professor said that I "asked questions like a graduate student", while another cited my creative writing as "a breath of fresh air". My father even said that I was "one of the most intelligent people [he] knows".

What did I really think about myself? Wow, people's standards for intelligence have DROPPED if I'm considered part of that.*

But, like I just said, I never believed my own hype. In all honesty, I thought people were lying to me*. I always got the impression that if you were "smart", you had to be very careful how you presented yourself. If you were too much of a smarty-pants, there goes your chances of having a romantic partner or even friends! You would be the wet blanket, that person who always corrects everyone and brings down the party mood. Nobody enjoys your fact-spewing or your unusual references to literature almost no one reads. Big deal. Be like everyone else, smarts are not a good thing to have. You could alienate people.

And when did I start to believe my own hype? Believe it or not, my second therapist was the one. She was discussing some sort of concept about life stages. Once she was done explaining it to me, she asked if I wanted her to clarify anything. I said no, I thought she explained it well enough. To my shock, she revealed that I was one of the few patients she had where she didn't have to explain the concept further. That's when I thought holy crap, we just met and she thinks I'm smart. If this complete stranger thinks that, everyone else I know and love were right all along.**

I now do believe my own hype, but I don't let it get to my head. The praise I have received from family, friends, and many others make sense to me now. My approach to intelligence in general has remained the same: it is always changing, never be afraid to learn, and don't be afraid to be smart. I want my smarts to be used for good and nothing but good things. I don't want to make people feel stupid.

Lemme put it this way, if I throw a huge word out there and you want to know the definition, I will be more than happy to tell you.

*Man, I can be a real dick. Damn...

**I hate to say that it took a complete stranger to confirm what everyone else has been saying all along. But I want to be honest, even if it hurts (well, me in this case). To those that I know and love, I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. As you've seen, I can be a hard-headed jackass.

Here's an update! There's an update! We all have updates!

Hello, longtime readers and newcomers! I'm back to see what condition my blog was in. And man, we need some updates in here, it's looking a little stale. Time to fix that.

My hematoma has healed up quite nicely, the bruising is still there but not as bad as before. It's all migrated to the left inner side of my right arm. I was concerned it wouldn't be gone by the time of my friend's wedding, but it's looking like it'll be gone before then. I can also stretch my arm out without pain, yea!

I'm going to begin the job hunt by applying for a few jobs. One of them is for another bookstore, but they're offering full-time, which I need. It's been really frustrating, since I want to do it all right the first time, so I give up since I might as well save me the pain of rejection. Hmmm... I really need to stop doing that. 'Cause how else can I survive being a writer? Or life in general?

I have everything that I need for the wedding (minus the dress, it's being hemmed at the moment) and the trip to NYC. All I'm missing is Shout! wipes and a sewing kit. Trust me, think about why I, a bridesmaid, may need these things. If anything, I want to be the over-prepared bridesmaid, armed and ready for any possible scenario to ensure a smooth wedding day.

I do have plans to blog about the NYC trip, but not during it. I am not going to be lugging my laptop around town, 'cause I ain't leaving it at the hotel, that's for sure.

And a big lesson I learned today is that, no matter how rough and sucky life gets, I need to keep perspective and finds the joys in life. It is hard as hell to do, and I often forget to do this, but I have to keep at it.

Hope y'all are well, my lovely peeps.

Some writing and life gripes

I'm working on the short story right now and man, my perfectionism (which is not OCD) is kicking in like whoa. All I want to do is go back and rewrite half of it, or give up because it's not turning out like I hoped it would. And it's 1,000+ words in, go figure.

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One quick note: y'all, stop calling perfectionism OCD. It's not funny and you're not being clever! Look up what OCD is and learn that perfectionism =/= OCD.

*this comes from someone who has suffered OCD and is tired of this nonsense*
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As for life stuff, I recently read this article and thought about things that had been going on in my life. I do honestly feel that I'm a seventeen-year-old in a twenty-three-year-old body. While I have made some big decisions (I'm basically paying for my insurance and my meds, buying big-ticket items without assistance, etc.) and moves (I've traveled overseas on my own, took care of most college matters without parental assistance, etc.) I still feel like I'm years behind everyone else. And yet, things are really tough right now. I continue to try, and I know some that are still looking for a job. It's silly to expect the new crop of twenty-somethings to mature the same way. I'm certainly not maturing the same way as my folks did. All of us are trying out another bag of tricks, that's all.

No, I'm not posting a clip of "That's All" by Genesis, or Keane's awesome cover of it...

Y'all can go for now... the show's over.

:P