Reflections on Being a Smarty-Pants

Ever since I was a kid, I never believed my own hype. I had people tell me that I was smart, even my kindergarten teacher had me tested for eidetic memory (which resulted in a "borderline" result) and I later ended up in the Gifted and Talented program in my school. Most teachers loved me, would cite me as an example of a good student, even though I wasn't always a straight-A student. One undergrad professor said that I "asked questions like a graduate student", while another cited my creative writing as "a breath of fresh air". My father even said that I was "one of the most intelligent people [he] knows".

What did I really think about myself? Wow, people's standards for intelligence have DROPPED if I'm considered part of that.*

But, like I just said, I never believed my own hype. In all honesty, I thought people were lying to me*. I always got the impression that if you were "smart", you had to be very careful how you presented yourself. If you were too much of a smarty-pants, there goes your chances of having a romantic partner or even friends! You would be the wet blanket, that person who always corrects everyone and brings down the party mood. Nobody enjoys your fact-spewing or your unusual references to literature almost no one reads. Big deal. Be like everyone else, smarts are not a good thing to have. You could alienate people.

And when did I start to believe my own hype? Believe it or not, my second therapist was the one. She was discussing some sort of concept about life stages. Once she was done explaining it to me, she asked if I wanted her to clarify anything. I said no, I thought she explained it well enough. To my shock, she revealed that I was one of the few patients she had where she didn't have to explain the concept further. That's when I thought holy crap, we just met and she thinks I'm smart. If this complete stranger thinks that, everyone else I know and love were right all along.**

I now do believe my own hype, but I don't let it get to my head. The praise I have received from family, friends, and many others make sense to me now. My approach to intelligence in general has remained the same: it is always changing, never be afraid to learn, and don't be afraid to be smart. I want my smarts to be used for good and nothing but good things. I don't want to make people feel stupid.

Lemme put it this way, if I throw a huge word out there and you want to know the definition, I will be more than happy to tell you.

*Man, I can be a real dick. Damn...

**I hate to say that it took a complete stranger to confirm what everyone else has been saying all along. But I want to be honest, even if it hurts (well, me in this case). To those that I know and love, I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. As you've seen, I can be a hard-headed jackass.

Misandry Is for Losers or Why I Almost Abandoned the Feminist Ship

Side note: this blog post is not for any woman who had been mistreated/abused/assaulted by men and they have come to distrust them. Y'all have my deepest sympathy and support. 

Earlier this year, I made a horrible realization. I was becoming the very thing I dreaded. Whenever dudes expressed an interest in helping the feminist cause, I rolled my eyes and claimed they wanted "ally cookies". I considered never dating since men were "basically scum" anyway. And I also became a bit hostile to the idea of men in general.

I was becoming a misandrist.

Sweet Lord, when it hit me, I about flew all the way to Milwaukee (who am I kidding, that would've been awesome. For one thing, all four seasons! ...I'll shut up). It was horrifying to see myself becoming that very kind of person.

The first thing I said to myself when I decided to become a feminist five years ago was "I won't be a man-hater" (the second being "if feminism excludes women in any way, I'm gonna go somewhere else"). I grew up with hearing the stereotype of feminists hating men and being generally hostile towards them. I wanted to subvert that and even consider men to be potential allies (which I do, believe it or not).

After realizing this, I looked back on my interactions with men. While thankfully I've controlled myself in public, there have been times over the Internet that I could've handled it better. I could've addressed my points without parroting a bunch of words and actually said what I wanted to say in my own way (like I'm doing here!). I didn't want to be one of those social justice folks that got angry and threw a bunch of f-bombs when someone posted something ignorant. Instead I wanted to address it with a sense of level-headed passion. In other words, I wanted to be a person that men and women could turn to and ask about feminism in general; leading them towards the sources that helped me shape my ideas and even form my own opinions on things.

I backed away from a ton of sites that weren't helping me in this regard (like ONTD_Political and even some tumblr blogs I used to follow) and opted to find more sources to help me explore politics, feminism, race issues, and so forth on a deep level without worrying about extremism. Let me be the decider on the fact I want to be a radical feminist, not have someone "tell" me I have to.

Y'know, it helps a lot that I was raised by a father who didn't take a look at my gender and go "welp, ain't teaching her nothing". He taught me a lot about people in general, home improvement/DIY, being independent, financial knowledge, and so much else. (In fact, he does laundry, cooks food [he makes a mean bowl of Thanksgiving mashed potatoes], and cleans the house; all without the assumption that he doesn't have to do it because he's the breadwinner and so forth.)

In all honesty, I think men can help in the feminist cause. There is so much they can learn, teach their fellow men, and do to help us women. There are times that they should step aside (like abortion rights, etc.) and times they do need to address problems within their culture (like rape jokes and so forth).

Like how I was the complete opposite of what I am when I was a teenager, I was in danger of going the same route. I want a healthy middle ground. And so, I stopped myself before it was too late.


P.S. And gentlemen? Misogyny is also for losers. Be like my dad and teach your daughters how to change the oil and don't expect your spouse to be a hired maid.

Greenbacks and black vinyl

The other night, I enjoyed a concert out of town, where I ended up getting the musician's autograph. It was a major plus to an already-splendid day. But as my sister and I killed time before the show, first sitting in the city park eating gyros and later chilling on the stage at the venue, we got to talking about current personal issues. She is currently on the lookout for employment, while I am realizing some very adult things. That day, I spent all my on-hand cash to buy records and CDs. I love music and will continue to buy it, but these sprees have to come to an end. As I get older, money is becoming a high priority. I'm responsible for a lot of purchases now, even though I still live with my parents. It is a reality for a lot of people my age, having to make some serious choices. Since I have plans to pursue graduate school and I have plans to take the GRE in a few months, it is time to become my age.

I wasn't lying to myself when I realized this was going to be a tough year. All I'm glad about is that I got the last Talking Heads album on vinyl when I realized it. Guess, in a strange way, it was meant to happen this way.

~

This entry was brought to you by Radiohead's new single "Supercollider" and its B-side "The Butcher". On vinyl, no less.