I have no idea... (tw: self-esteem issues regarding fat)

why I think I'm fat. I look at pictures of myself from last year (where I was either the weight I am right now or just a bit less) and I honestly don't get it. If the camera adds ten pounds (whether that's true or not is a whole other kettle of fish), then I actually don't look as bad as I thought. Now, in my family, the weight goes all over the place and not just one specific area of the body. I look like I have some curves (which I do) and that I'm broad-shouldered and built stocky (thank you German heritage!).

On the bright side, at least I haven't gained more weight. Something's going right.

If I was a betting woman, it would be that I drink water now.


I love how despite my thoughts, there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Gotta love perspective.

Some Random Thoughts on Depression

I've been reading quite a few DIY, minimalist, and life coaching blogs these days. Mostly to get a grasp on how to figure out life and what to do in a myriad of situations.

I've had depression since I was 19 and OCD since I was 13, so I've lived with these two ornery gits for a long time, almost half my life (at least, in the case of OCD). So I'm having to learn how to live with them in my life, but taking on a different role. A backseat one, if you will. One where I have more control of my emotions, how I react to things, and so forth. Prior to that, my emotions could be all over the place and even out of control at times (at the worst possible times too, like at work and even with loved ones). It was ugly, no wonder I really hated myself. I wasn't that pleasant to be around.

Besides doing a lot of psychological healing, I have to do a lot of physical (both bodily and outside myself) work too. I've mentioned about having so much stuff because I bought things whenever I was emotional or in need of something to fill the hole up that depression drilled into me. I've been selling and getting rid of a lot of stuff. I find myself not wanting as much stuff anymore, but save enough money to live off of feasibly. In terms of my body, I've been eating better and drinking more water. I save sodas and alcohol as treats but I rarely have it anyway. I enjoy treats like cookies and cake more when I have it less often. It makes me appreciate it all even more. Plus, I also put on weight when I was depressed (about twenty pounds actually).

I've been incorporating exercise (Pilates and running via treadmill and Zombies, Run!) into my life, keeping a journal both here and on paper IRL, looking for another job that utilizes my skills and keeps me on a good health plan so I can continue to be mentally and physically healthy, making plans for tomorrow and further into the future, and all this blog-reading has helped me save money and even budget better.

It is a long road of recovery, probably one I'll be on for the rest of my life. I'll stumble, have to pull into the breakdown lane (insert reference to Jerry Harrison/Casual Gods song here), and I may even have another episode. Who knows? But at least I'm more sure of how to handle it and even work through it if it gets to that point.

Yes, depression is not fun to live with. Yes, you will have to deal with it for the rest of your life. But it is better than the other option (speaking of death here). Just trust me on this one, my friends, from someone who's been on the brink more than once.

Haven't said much in a while... (TW: depression)

Yeah, to be honest, I'm blaming the lack of posts on no motivation and getting used to being on antidepressants. It is weird to be (somewhat) dependent on a drug to manage my moods. I've been doing okay, been hit hard by my period. So yeah, that will make things more fun for now on.

Either way, it hasn't been easy to get back into the swing of things. I'm on the hunt for a full-time job and it's not going well at all. Haven't heard a thing and I start thinking it's me, that I'm under-qualified and not worthy of a good-paying job. It makes me wonder how much longer I'll be stuck in retail. Will I have to work another Christmas? What am I doing wrong? Is it internships until I get blue in the face? The worst thing is that I know I'm not the only one, but others that I know are succeeding. What are they doing right? Is it pure luck? Or do they have something I don't? Personally, I don't want to think about it right now. It'll just make me sad.

I know that Jupiter_Nova hasn't been updated in a long time. Please don't remind me. It's already upsetting to see the "last posted" date.

As for writing, it's been a challenge to even sit down and write something, much less a blog entry. Reading? Forget about it. I have too many books. Finances aren't getting better. I'm starting to think that this is going to be the rest of my life. Being eternally immature, living with her parents, working retail, and dreams of being a writer instead of actually doing it.

But I can't do this to myself. I worked hard to get through that depressive episode, so I could live again. I know that it won't be easy, but I have no choice. I didn't regain control of my life only to lose it again.

I'm gonna have to do this. I apologize for my speed, but things will be getting back... well, not to normal, but I'll be at least posting more often and doing other things.

Until next time!

Some minor life updates (TW: depression)

As I'm listening to someone narrating an excerpt from the new Michael Chabon book (I'm probably gonna skip this one, kinda having my doubts about it), I realized that I haven't done anything for this blog. I have a good reason for it.

I done forgot.

Either way, I went to the doctor a few weeks ago about my moods and health. Turns out that I don't have hypoglycemia (it runs in my family), but my good friend Unipolar Depression has stopped by for another visit (makes this the fourth time in six years, the annoying git). Because of the latter, I was put back on antidepressants for the first time since I was last diagnosed at nineteen. Unlike last time, I will be on these pills for about six months to a year. Oh well. But if I'm having depressive episodes four times in a six-year period, I think I may need a little medicinal help.

I'm currently not seeking a therapist, mainly due to financial issues, but also don't need one at this time. I am feeling much better than before, the past almost like it never happened. It was like "whoa, I was upset about all this? Odd." That's the funny thing about being depressed, you forget about it after it goes away and doesn't come back until it feels like it. I read a while back about someone's struggle with depression and likened it to a persistent cold. That's a pretty damn accurate description.

So yeah, I've been dealing with the blues for a while. Whenever some major event comes up and it stresses me out to a breaking point, it usually triggers depression. My mom thinks that my menstrual period has a role in this, due to my PMSing prior to the depressive episode. I wouldn't be shocked; heavy and psychologically-damaging periods also run in my family.

I'm waiting on the next period to see if it is part of the problem. But knowing my family history and even my past history with my menstrual flows, I think I have my answer.

~

All that aside, I am doing very well. Just working, reading, and writing. I got to spend time with my mom over the weekend. She got this job as a maintenance host at a nearby state park; she gets to stay at the park for free, so I went over to keep her company. It was the first time I went camping in over five years. I forgot how much fun it was.

Sorry for the long silence, y'all. We'll be getting back to things in time. Take care!

P.S.: If you or a loved one is dealing with depression, do not hesitate to ask for help. There is hope for you. There are medicines, there are therapists. It is hard to admit that you need help, but it is the bravest thing you could ever do. I've been living with it for five years and made peace with it. If I, a sometimes self-loathing neurotic and nervous young woman, can do it; so can you!

On the "bath salts" incidents...

Warning: this post and news links contain some violent details, reader discretion is advised. 

(I originally wrote this in the wake of the incidents, but forgot to post it. It is slightly dated for that reason, but still worth talking about.)

To be honest, I didn't know what to say or think about all the past reports of men (two of them were possibly high on so-called "bath salts") who committed great destruction upon themselves or others. Well, other than "Good God, that's horrifying!"

That was until everyone I know (and I do mean everyone) started making zombie jokes (with the solitary exception of my little sister, who continues to remain a badass).

At first, I didn't know how to react. To be honest, I never considered "zombie apocalypse" when I read the stories (see first paragraph for the initial reaction). After a while, as it all sunk in, the zombie jokes started to get to me. I had trouble figuring out why. After reading about it on ONTD_Political, even when the posters' feelings were similar to mine, I couldn't find my reason. I thought about it all day yesterday. And then it hit me: no one talked about the victim (in this case, I'm referring to the homeless man that was attacked in Florida). The guy's life has changed dramatically and, in all honesty, it could be something he may never truly recover from. The pain, in both its physical and psychological forms, I cannot even begin to fathom. If anything, I hope he gets all the help he needs and lives out the rest of his life in a safe place.

~

I know humor is used to help cope with a serious event, but this doesn't seem like the right time. It erases the fact there were people seriously injured and killed. It deflects conversation about "bath salts", a serious and dangerous street drug, especially its effects on people. Those are conversations we need to have, but we are too scared to. Instead, we resort to tasteless jokes that only skirt the real issues. We forget that there are grieving families and mortally-wounded people.
 
Have I lost some respect for those who made the jokes? I won't lie, yes I have. What I hope for is for these people to examine their thoughts and reread the stories (if they are triggered by extreme violence, then I don't want them to do that to themselves).

I will link to the news stories so you can read them for yourselves. I combed through them to make sure pictures weren't posted of the man's injuries. But sadly, I cannot assure you that it will remain that way. Exercise extreme caution, my friends. There are jerks on the Internet and the comments sections are to be avoided.

To my friends who read this and get mad at me for me being mad at them, please read the entry again. And no, I'm not a politically-correct, oversensitive, bleeding-heart liberal. I am, however, a liberal with a sense of humor who knows when not to make inappropriate jokes. There is a difference, y'all.