Merry Christmas!

Hello everyone! Hope you're having a good day whatever you're doing, whether it is celebrating with loved ones or alone. I hope you are warm, comfortable, and have some food in your belly.

Haven't posted very much on here and I have no reason other than work to blame for it. Either way things will be slow here until the new year. Not much to talk about or post really. So I will find things to talk about. That's why there will be a pause.

Until then, take care and see ya later!

So I finally got my new insurance

After struggling with the ACA website and resisting the urge to punch my computer screen for almost two months, I finally got my account to work again and sign up for my new health and dental insurance. I apparently qualified for a tax credit and my monthly premiums won't be as hair-ripping terrible as I psyched myself into thinking. Yes, it's still money I will have to spend. Yes, the tax credit came from somewhere, likely mine and yours' pockets, so there ya go. Just because I'm liberal, doesn't mean I'm stupid.

I know there is no such thing as a free lunch and I feel it more than ever as a part-time employee in this economy. I am very fortunate to have not only qualified for the tax credit, but also to be able to keep all my doctors ('cause they're all awesome as hell) and still be able to take the necessary medicines for my conditions. I value my physical and mental health very much and this helps me realize that not only can I do it, but others can so too. It's another way I show myself that I love myself and it is worth all the time and money to invest in my health.

We all have different operating systems, imperfect bodies. Let's take the best care that we can.

If you are trying to get insurance, keep plugging away. You'll get in the site soon. Never hurts to ask for help too. The 1-800 number yielded better results for me.

And for those who didn't want the ACA to be a functional thing (?), let alone exist... I really don't know what to tell y'all. Really, I don't. No sarcasm or passive-aggressiveness, I promise. And if it helps, I find the mandate to be unnecessary. Wouldn't having no insurance in and of itself be a big enough consequence?

The abridged version of this entry: I got a huge and heavy weight off my back in time for the new year.

Holy s***, I'm 27

About twenty-seven years and sixteen minutes ago (as of right now), I first graced this planet with my glorious presence. My family rejoiced and showered me with love and attention. Whenever it ended up on Thanksgiving, it was like having a large feast in my honor (lulz).

I had the monopoly until my sister came along. It was a good run. /sarcasm

And what am I doing today? I'm heading to work! Such is life, as it should be... I guess. At least I don't work Black Friday (though it's never bad at B&N anyway?) My birthday hasn't and will never be a holiday (until 2015 when my birthday and Thanksgiving collide again!)

And a happy birthday to my fellow birthday buddies: Tina Turner and John McVie! It's fun until it ends up on Thanksgiving, right?

What do I have to say for being on Earth for this long? Some memes, that's what!

And when in doubt, always look at pictures of tiny houses and remember that I live in a world where I learned from personal experience that Vienna Teng is a good hugger.

Here's to ice cream cake and good times. Let's triple the years, self. Live to be 100 and eff the typical lifespan of your family tree!

*drinks water, 'cause she's too broke for beer and it's too early for that, duh*

*memes do not belong to me*

Small update on life and stuff and whatever... *snoozes*

So here I go again, writing things on this here blog and whatever. You want to know what the eff I've been up to? Sure, here ya go:

• My birthday is this Tuesday. I have no plans other than ice cream cake and surviving a morning shift at my job.

• I applied for grad school for the second time. I got everything done in less than a week. The story, I feel, is my strongest yet. I have a better advantage this time; two sets of eyeballs looked at it (a friend and my mom).

• My job search has been halted for now. I'm taking a different approach: temp jobs. More on that as it goes on.

• Yes, the job search was going that bad. I've placed twenty-six applications out there and only got one interview. Those are terrible odds.

• I actually have Thanksgiving plans! My parents invited me up to the state park they're at for a late lunch all the park employees are doing. I'm bringing a cheesecake. :D

• No Black Friday shift for me. Then again, at B&N, it's pretty underwhelming. But that doesn't hold for the rest of the retailers. Seriously, opening on Thanksgiving night, who the eff thought that was genius? No, you poor wretched retail peons, you can't have a blessed Thanksgiving! (/sarcasm) And whoever came up with it, can I please kick them hard in their happy places*?

So there ya go. You happy? You want more? Help me get a life first.

*Happy places = genitals

P.S.: Seriously, I'm not this grouchy. 

I love it when...

my favorite artists spoil me with new albums. I wasn't expecting it, but Nicole Atkins, Warpaint, Dum Dum Girls, and Broken Bells are coming out with new records next year! And all within two months! Yeaaaaa!

I pledged money to Atkins' project and will be getting a vinyl copy of Slow Phaser. I also preordered vinyl copies of Warpaint and Too True (Dum Dum Girls' new album). I'm waiting on pins and needles to get a chance to preorder After the Disco (Broken Bells' new album).

God, it makes me feel like a spoiled child getting the toys she wanted for Christmas.

Here's what we get to look forward to!

Been a while...

Alright, sorry for the silence. Been applying for jobs and being rejected by them. ;_;

(On a happier note on the job front: my sister got a full-time job! And it's something she wants to do! So proud of her. All the less-than-threes!)

Also working on a new novel project. Got to the first 4k today and feel pretty good so far. I originally had plans to set the story right when the tragic events happen, but I like going in with not describing the horrors yet. It builds up the suspense. I can't wait until I can relieve that tension and write all that! In the meantime, set-up, introducing characters (including my first male narrator in effing forever), and doing a crap job at setting. Man, I may need to retrace my steps and fix that a bit.

I also rediscovered Twitter. And now one of my senators is following me. Saweeet.

Either way, that is what's been up with me. What about you?

Well, I figured this would happen...

After thinking about it, and realizing I had a lot of things to do, I decided not to participate in this year's NaNoWriMo. I'm itching to work on the new project (which I had trouble starting on last night, but I think I figured out the problem), along with other things like reapplying for grad school, writing other projects, editing a friend's novella, looking for jobs, and so forth.

So y'know... LIFE got in the way this time.

The guy looks like a young Jonathan Lethem... XD

*meme does not belong to me*

Mein Gott, everyone...

Vienna Teng's new album is absolutely epic. I just want everyone to know that and then go buy it (or go stream it here).

DO IT NOW.

My reaction to listening to the album for the first time...

Album of 2013, motherf***ers! I effing call it!

*meme does not belong to me*

One Giant Ramble About Writing and Public Discourse

Reading this blog post about a reviewer and author trading words made me really think about two things. 

One: I've been meaning to read this series, I have the first one on my Nook.

Two: Sweet holy everything, Mr. Aarnovitch, while I didn't find your response bad, you should've taken your advice you wrote on the first line and not engage. 

~

As a budding writer, I fear becoming so defensive about my work that I am horrid to whatever fans I end up having. I don't want to do that. If you read my book and don't like it, then there you go. And fans, don't defend my "honor" or whatever. If someone doesn't like it, let them be. They have gone through the same trouble as you have and read the book, but didn't get similar feelings like you did. Leave them be. And I don't mind either way how someone feels. If they threaten me with violence, on the other hand, the gloves freaking come off. But that's less "my writing" and more "my person", which I consider more viable and worth defending.

I have, in the past, been very defensive about my writing (even on here, why? I ask myself). Since I've done a lot of growing up, I realized that I could've handled it all better and now with hindsight, know what to do. Just take the criticism, be civil in response, and wrap up this burrito before it gets too stuffed. Plus, there are ways to be engaging in discussions, even controversial ones. But people invest in feelings over facts (I've been guilty of this in the past) and it clouds judgment. I prided myself in being able to engage in hard topics without losing my grip, but I have failed many times. I now know better. 

I've read an argument that once the book is published, it no longer belongs to the author... I agree somewhat, but disagree with it more. It still belongs to the writer as a creative work and copyright. Now if those who said this meant more of an interpretative matter, then I see what they're getting at. Death of the author is alive and well, hur-hur. But if the author done effed up real bad, there is nothing wrong with pointing out the wrongs. That's why readers are important assets. They keep the authors from getting too big for their britches. Well, some writers anyway. (*cough*LaurellKHamiltion*cough*)

But reviewers and readers, I ask you this: if you interpret something one opposite way when the writer meant another, why does that make your opinion more right? Back in 2011, Bitch Magazine posted a list of 100 YA books and got some flak for featuring a few titles (I haven't read those three but I want to one of these days) that didn't explicitly address the problems with rape culture. The books instead showed them in a "this is something that happens and here's how the characters feel about it". No side comments of "rape culture is bad, okay?", which I would find patronizing (but some people want that, what?). Any decent human being would draw to that conclusion without the author's assistance. The author does have a job to present these difficult concepts and show the horrid complexity (like how in Sister Red, one character considers scantily-dressed girls "sluts" and later shows that she was in the wrong!) Yet, the mere fact that the first event happened, don't recommend the book? Uhm, okay. By that logic, don't read any book. Did you know that everyone comes into the world knowing everything? And if you don't know something is wrong, everything needs to be spelled out for you? Good Lord, no wonder feminism get some flak for being educated to the point of arrogance.

I do think that trigger warnings would've been a good idea (on the list, in this case), since there are folks who get seriously upset about depictions of violence (whether subtle or explicit), but to remove the titles and offer alternatives just because a few people had grievances? I didn't know a few people had that kinda power. With that in mind, I declare Fifty Shades of Grey unreadable crap and should be banned everywhere!*

Or you can read what John Scalzi* and Abigail Nussbaum said about the whole Bitch thing and not read my words, since they wrote all that in the heat of the mess, and here I am, reflecting over two years later.

~

*I'm being entirely sarcastic here, I don't think the books of the Fifty Shades series should be banned, but I stand by the "unreadable crap" part. People should be able to access the book and draw their conclusions. Even spark discussion on BDSM in mainstream culture!

*Seriously, I love this guy. I need to read his books very soon. He won a Hugo recently!

Reflections on Being a Smarty-Pants

Ever since I was a kid, I never believed my own hype. I had people tell me that I was smart, even my kindergarten teacher had me tested for eidetic memory (which resulted in a "borderline" result) and I later ended up in the Gifted and Talented program in my school. Most teachers loved me, would cite me as an example of a good student, even though I wasn't always a straight-A student. One undergrad professor said that I "asked questions like a graduate student", while another cited my creative writing as "a breath of fresh air". My father even said that I was "one of the most intelligent people [he] knows".

What did I really think about myself? Wow, people's standards for intelligence have DROPPED if I'm considered part of that.*

But, like I just said, I never believed my own hype. In all honesty, I thought people were lying to me*. I always got the impression that if you were "smart", you had to be very careful how you presented yourself. If you were too much of a smarty-pants, there goes your chances of having a romantic partner or even friends! You would be the wet blanket, that person who always corrects everyone and brings down the party mood. Nobody enjoys your fact-spewing or your unusual references to literature almost no one reads. Big deal. Be like everyone else, smarts are not a good thing to have. You could alienate people.

And when did I start to believe my own hype? Believe it or not, my second therapist was the one. She was discussing some sort of concept about life stages. Once she was done explaining it to me, she asked if I wanted her to clarify anything. I said no, I thought she explained it well enough. To my shock, she revealed that I was one of the few patients she had where she didn't have to explain the concept further. That's when I thought holy crap, we just met and she thinks I'm smart. If this complete stranger thinks that, everyone else I know and love were right all along.**

I now do believe my own hype, but I don't let it get to my head. The praise I have received from family, friends, and many others make sense to me now. My approach to intelligence in general has remained the same: it is always changing, never be afraid to learn, and don't be afraid to be smart. I want my smarts to be used for good and nothing but good things. I don't want to make people feel stupid.

Lemme put it this way, if I throw a huge word out there and you want to know the definition, I will be more than happy to tell you.

*Man, I can be a real dick. Damn...

**I hate to say that it took a complete stranger to confirm what everyone else has been saying all along. But I want to be honest, even if it hurts (well, me in this case). To those that I know and love, I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. As you've seen, I can be a hard-headed jackass.

And...

the job hunt continues.

:-/

I need to rethink my strategies on this business, y'all.

Small update

I had the interview yesterday. To summarize, I think it went well. Dunno what else to do other than wait... well, actually live my life and apply for other jobs. For starters.

Make doctor appointments, eat, sleep, write, read, and other sorts of various human and adult things.

So if you excuse me, I got to go be an adult.

Apparently.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

And now for something completely different...

I have a job interview tomorrow for a neighborhood periodical. I got the call for an interview the same day I wrote my entry on the worries I had on the job searching. Funny, huh?

I'll let y'all know how it goes. And yeah... just like with all past, present, and future jobs, I do not discuss specifics here for a myriad of reasons (both privacy and personal ones). I hope y'all understand.

Hope you (see: those who are currently looking for a job also) have the same good luck as I do. We all need it.

On a much different and lighter note...

I'm going for NaNoWriMo once more. 

I originally had an idea about a poetess going to space with astronauts, but I'm changing it to something I had a dream about: a deadly chemical accident in a small (and fictional) Texas town. I'll save the sci-fi story for another day.

To be honest, I'm gonna not post about it too much on the website and on here, mostly because I am concerned of people stealing my ideas (very rare, I know, but you just can't tell...). I'm already vague about writing projects anyway on here, so will continue that trend.

So here's to a story about a chemical accident.

Damn. That's morbid. :/

Sorry for the long silence, I had a good reason...

I was busy applying for jobs. Mostly writing/editing ones. They sounded very promising, good pay and exciting environments. A chance to stretch my skills out and share them with others, doing something more than working on my stuff. We're talking big-leagues here. This ain't no indie publisher, this ain't no (insert whatever)...

And... nope.

I redid my resume (a tip from the alumni career counselor I visited a week ago), wrote nice cover letters that weren't canned, and honestly fit an eff-ton of the requirements. Perhaps I can do better (which is the case for a lot of things, really), but I'm kinda thunderstruck. Right now it's a matter of licking my wounds and pressing on. There are other chances. Perhaps I should stretch out beyond writing/editing. After all, many writers didn't work in publishing, some were far from that in fact. May not need that route, just accept what is offered to me and go for it.

I think I have to go outside the box for this one, y'all.

Wish me luck. And may the same good luck go for us all.

*meme does not belong to me*

Wow...

This meme actually relates to me. Believe it or not, that was how I got my job at the nonprofit.

Too bad it isn't last very long. And that's just the way it is...

Please learn from me, everyone...

for God's sake, don't have yourself reading so many books at once. Here is the ENTIRE list of everything I'm reading right now:

1. The Trouble with Magic by Madelyn Alt [library]
2. Hiroshima in America by Robert Jay Lifton and Greg Mitchell [personal]
3. Out of the Easy by Ruta Sepetys [bookstore borrow]
4. The Last Temptation of Christ by Nikos Kazantzakis [personal]
5. Storm Kings by Lee Sandin [personal]
6. Tempest in the Tea Leaves by Katie Lee Townsend [e-reader]
7. Walden by Henry David Thoreau [personal]
8. NOS4A2 by Joe Hill [personal]
9. Eight Girls Taking Pictures by Whitney Otto [e-reader]
10. The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis [personal]
11. Paprika by Yasutaka Tsutsui [personal]
12. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien [personal]
13. A Garden of Earthly Delights by Joyce Carol Oates [personal]
14. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl [e-reader]
15. Night Film by Marisha Pessl (ARC) [personal/bookstore borrow]
16. The Sound of Paper by Julia Cameron [personal]
17. What You Really Really Want by Jaclyn Friedman [personal]
18. The Fall of the House of Usher and Other Writings by Edgar Allan Poe
19. What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles
20. Living with Guns by Craig R. Whitney [library]
21. Forgotten Country by Catherine Chung [e-reader]
22. All Roads Lead to Austen by Amy Smith [e-reader]
23. The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling [e-reader]
24. Half-Blood Blues by Esi Edugyan [e-reader]
25. The Magnolia League by Katie Crouch [e-reader]
26. The Thirteen Hallows by Colette Freedman and Michael Scott [e-reader]
27. Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie [e-reader]
28. Buddha by Deepak Chopra [e-reader]

Yeah, so what if I can pick up easily where I left off? Doesn't make it less anxiety-inducing. Good Lord.

Hey, let's play a game! How much of this list can I trim down before year's end? Will it be all 28 or am I screwed like whoa?

Stay tuned to learn if I dig out of this stupid hole!

Nostalgia Gut Punch

Finally, someone posted two Nanci Griffith performances I grew up with. My dad had these taped on a Betamax (holy crap, I just revealed my age) and used to play them for infant me when I couldn't get to sleep.

Hilariously enough, my dad only taped the first four songs of each performance. Nice timing, Dad. XD

Needless to say, she was the household chanteuse.

~~

~~

And no, I'm not crying. Bad allergies... I swear.

Ouch, my everything.

*meme does not belong to me*

Four Songs I've Sang in Public (and Three I Want to Sing)

In honor of the release of Rob Sheffield's new book (which I'm digging into right now with gusto), I will list the four songs I've actually sang in public ala karaoke (although they were through the Rock Band video game during a series [read two] of parties. But I'm told this technically counts. Hot dog.) and the three I wish I can do.

"Girlfriend Is Better" by Talking Heads

"Nightwatchman" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

"Tom Sawyer" by Rush

"Kiss Them for Me" by Siouxsie and the Banshees


And for the three I want to do... (but Rock Band doesn't have em. Booooo.)

"Isn't It Midnight" by Fleetwood Mac

"Kodachrome" by Paul Simon

"Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline

Two songs with "midnight" in the title... hardy-har-har-hur-hur. Whatever.

16 years ago today...

I lost my paternal grandfather to lung cancer.

It struck him down so quickly. It was a blink-and-miss-it time. Surreal with myriad of images and senses awakened: white walls of nursing homes and putting together hospital beds. The smell of antibacterial cleaners and the low mumbling of a distant TV on the wall. A barren peach tree suddenly full of fruit for my mom to make cobblers for my grandfather.

~ ~ ~

I remember the last time I saw him healthy. My dad and I were dropping him and my paternal grandmother off at the airport (they were going to visit my aunt in Maine), waving goodbye to him. The trip was cut short due to my grandfather's health taking a dramatic dive. It took little time for the doctors to discern the cause.

We visited the hospital as he got chemotherapy, brought him our company and comfort when gifts would've been a poor move. After the hospital, he briefly rested at his home with my family and I visiting often. My mom helped him shave his head for the chemo. She jokingly called him the white Michael Jordan.

He was moved to a nursing home when it got nasty again. My parents, especially my dad, wanted him back at his own home (I later discovered that my grandfather's death was imminent, more so than I realized at the time. There was no doubt, as my mom told me, that cancer kicked him down hard and was making him stay down for good.) They began the arduous process of setting up a hospital bed and other needed equipment in his trailer home. My grandmother wanted him in the nursing home. It was an element of tension between the son and mother. We never got the chance to get him settled comfortably at his home.

My last memory of my grandfather was at the nursing home, hooked up to a breathing tube and his eyes shut. He was napping. I didn't want to disturb him. I told him goodbye and kissed his shaved head.

~ ~ ~

Then August 7th, 1997 arrived. It was mid-afternoon. My sister and I were playing with our stuffed animals, having them on adventures far beyond the capacity of their polyester-filled bodies. We were called into the living room.  My mom was sitting on the couch, my dad nowhere to be seen. I asked her of his whereabouts and she said that he was out in the backyard. She began telling us the news, choking up at the reveal: "Papa died today". At that, she burst into tears.

My sister was stoic at the news, probably trying her damnest as an eight-year-old to understand the gravity of it all. As for my ten-year-old self... saying that I was sad is an understatement. I was f****ing inconsolable. I ran back to my room, with all the stuffed animals, and embraced my stuffed animal shark Chelsea.

~ ~ ~

There was a wake on the 12th, no casket or anything dramatic like that. He was cremated and his ashes spread somewhere in Texas. An old friend delivered the eulogy, a group of Army soldiers folded a flag and presented it to my uncle (the eldest son), and I sat next to my dad with Chelsea in a purse. 

We began to homeschool again, though it wasn't the same. Everything changes when someone dies, especially the only family member that actually supported the idea. The tree that bore so many peaches later perished after my grandfather's death. For a long time, it sat in our backyard, doing nothing other than remind us of that time. After a few years, my dad chopped it down. My mom cried as he did, unable to watch it finally come down. 

~ ~ ~

I never forget this day. I just can't. Every time August 7th passes by, I emotionally freeze up and remember. The tears, the peaches, the nursing home, the softness of Chelsea's dorsal fin against my face. The last time I saw my grandfather. His eyes shut. The foreshadowing of the sadness to come. The day reeks of sickness. Whenever people want to make plans with me and they end up on this day, I don't do it. It is bad luck. 

To say his death had an impact on me is putting it lightly. My stories are fraught with families devastated by an important family member's death, main characters who had a beloved relative (usually a grandparent) stolen away by disease, and these events are the equivalent of 9.0-scale earthquakes. 

For God's sakes, I even dedicated the novel project Invisible to him. I feel that this novel is so important to me, that it should be dedicated to someone just as equally important.

Nothing else needs to be said of today. Or of my grandfather. I have spent my words.

Quick note

It's gonna be a bit jarring to see this ecstatic celebration of Talking Heads' third album and right after that... a post about my grandfather's passing over sixteen years ago.

So here is the buffer between the two.

I actually wrote about my grandfather before the album. It made sense to do it that way. Get into the grief and then heal. It wouldn't be the first time the music of Talking Heads comforted me through a dark time.

34 years ago today...

my all-time favorite album (full-stop) and by its band (Talking Heads); Fear of Music descended upon record stores. Oh, if only to go back in time and go to the local record store and do this:

OMG yeaaaaaaa!

It had a crazy-amazing radio ad. (You can hear a bit of it during the South Bank Show episode on the band, featured on the Chronology deluxe DVD.)

It inspired Jonathan Lethem to write one of the best 33 1/3 books. (Seriously, you need to read it if you haven't.)

It made Dadaist poetry a thing to adapt to song. ( "I Zimbra", best opening track ever!)

It actually got a Grammy nomination for its artwork. (sweet holy everything, Jerry Harrison almost got a Grammy*.)

Everyone kinda forgets this album exists, since it lives in the shadow of Remain In Light. (cue joke, har-har)

With songs like "Life During Wartime", "Heaven", and "I Zimbra", what's not to love? I even like "Animals", the only blah track. (Not a bad song on this fine circle of vinyl, y'all)

The opening track was the equivalent of this famous meme. (See the video for reference)

~~

Keep on going, Fear of Music. You're the one that made me fall in love hard with the band.

*Okay, I know Mr. Harrison wouldn't have gotten the Grammy, since it was another dude that was nominated... but I like to think he would've sorta spiritually got it since he did design the cover.

*meme does not belong to me*

Just wanted to share this with y'all...

Spoils of San Francisco

My epic trip to San Francisco yielded a lot of wonderful spoils: records, books, and other fun goodies! (Each picture will have a small story, so there ya go.)

~DAY 1~

Amoeba Music on Haight was the place I was looking forward to going to the most. It ended up being totally worth it. Future SF stops will include a venture to this fine place. The first thing I did when I went in the store was look for Perfect Blue. I was shocked to find it so much that I hugged it as I went to search for other things. (If you haven't seen the movie yet, I highly recommend it!)

Finding the Jerry Harrison/Casual Gods single was awesome. The single cover wasn't what I thought, which makes it even  better. Though I wanted "Man with A Gun"...

Streetlight Records was a nice little shop, but didn't yield too much other this gem. I've been wanting this on VHS for a long time. It was only a buck. I should've gotten ripped off like on eBay, but nope. Totes legit.

My first bookstore stop. This was a great little place, I would go back if I had the time to go to more than one store. Read Running Wild in one night (a damn good novel BTW). Haven't touched the Carter novel yet.

The store had a resident cat, a big 'ol orange kitty. I got to pet him (?) and he was sweet.

Recycled Records was a surprise hit of a place. The cashier was a cool dude. The first thing I did was go for the H's to find "Man with A Gun". Nope, instead found the 12" of "Rev It Up". I about burst into hysterical laughter. Why u follow me, song? You're not even my favorite!

The big find was the Martini Ranch album. For those who don't know, it was the band Bill Paxton was in before he became a big movie star. It came with a promo packet of pics and a letter from Sire Records. Oh and another thing... yes, they're actually good.

~DAY 2~

I took the BART to Berkeley (a wonderful little college town BTW) to visit the main Amoeba Music. I wasn't as impressed with this one as much as the Haight location. Though I found a eff-ton of singles and the first issue of Radio Silence, which is a really cool literary/rock magazine.

While walking around Telegraph Avenue (yes, all I can think of is the Michael Chabon book and this song), I discovered Rasputin Music. It made up for the lackluster Amoeba experience. The album next to the Bob Welch record is a 12" single of Lindsey Buckingham's "Go Insane".

I also found two Talking Heads singles: "Life During Wartime" and "I Zimbra". While looking through them, I found the French release of "I Zimbra", which I already had.

And whoops, bought a Peter Gabriel record I already had. And missed out on the German ones 'cause of my dumbassery. Boooooo.

Yeaaaa, Grooves (back in SF) had my favorite Band record! Crank it up! Liiiiiiife is a carnival, believe it or not...

Rasputin Music in SF wasn't as cool as the
Berkeley location. Though I got this Berlin single...

I wasn't that impressed with the deYoung Museum, though I fell in love with the painting that I got a postcard of. It's called "Mother Earth" by Chiura Obata. The woman modeling as the titular figure is his wife. A really wonderful idea of Mother Earth not being some mythical-looking white woman in flowing robes, but a Japanese woman in the nude (ala Eve) and in a more earthly light. I read on the info plaque that Mrs. Obata was pregnant when this was done (or I read wrong, I dunno). Makes it even more powerful.

OMG, snack foods! Bought then at the Japan Center. I love shrimp chips and strawberry Pocky a ton. I also love the honey twists, those things taste like a cereal I used to have as a kid.

The Chocorooms were okay, as was the almond Pocky. Two of the chopstick sets and wrapped bowls were for my sister and her boyfriend. The book and other chopstick set were mine. And I nommed on nearly all the foods before bringing a few things home.

~DAY 4~

My final day... *sigh*. I went to various places and a big one was Ghirardelli Square. I got a free sample and then searched for some tins o' chocolate to bring home. The dark brown one is the one I got for myself (and I later appropriated as a place to hold things) and the streetcar one is for my sister. This was the thing I was gonna surprise her with. She dug it.

City Lights was the biggest stop I've been waiting for. It is absolutely wonderful and warrants repeat visits until either it closes down or I die a ripe old age. After reading so much about The Flamethrowers, I gave in and bought it. I also sat down and read Ginsberg's Howl for the first time ever inside the bookstore. Seemed appropriate.

The bag has since then acted as a tiny purse of sorts. And both the Ferlinghetti poetry books were wonderful.

And finally, at the California Palace of the Legion of Honor, I went to this amazing exhibit about Impressionists and boating (it is still at the museum until October, I think). Definitely go see it!

I bought a poster and some postcards. Lovely stuff.






This took me forever, mostly because of the pictures. Posting pictures on Blogger is a HUGE PAIN OMG. Some were flipped even when I already flipped them so everyone could see them better, WTF?

Why I'm Not A Stereotypical Writer: Reason #179

I hate coffee.

And I realized why yesterday. I brewed some Starbucks coffee that my sister got and added what I would like: sugar and lots of Cinnabon-flavored creamer. A good meal and two cups later, I was feeling nice. No writing done, but I jumped on the treadmill for an hour and sweated a bit of the caffeine out. But it didn't get much better.

My old friend anxiety came for a visit, throwing my mind into disarray with OCD-like thoughts I long ago dealt and made peace with. Along with that, my stomach started to hurt and became unbearable when I went into work for a brief closing shift. Eating some almonds during a break helped, but all the running around and helping customers still made me shaky and nervous. I feared either passing out on the floor from the inevitable crash or running out of the building, tearing my hair out in handfuls.

The shift did burn some of the energy, but the crash was gonna happen. I got home after work, ate some string cheese, and passed out before midnight.

God, I hate it when things have that big of an effect on me. Naturally, I want nothing to do with it. For those who can handle the stuff, drink on. I ain't stealing your supplies. I'll stick to tea and orange juice.

And there you go, people who wonder why I don't do drugs (besides the legal stuff). If a strong cup of coffee did this to me, what in the world would weed or cocaine do to me? And don't get me started on the effect codeine had on me after my wisdom teeth extractions.

Let's stick that into the "never happening ever" folder and shut the drawer. I'll stick to my mental illnesses, I already have enough to handle.

I rarely do things like this

But I decided to delete my vacation post on San Francisco and overall discontinue the series. I think there is honestly no reason to post it to the world. Mostly I was going to do it to keep track of events that happened, but I did a very good job with my real life journal, so doing it again on the blog seems unnecessary.

In fact, it's a given for now on: no more recaps of my traveling adventures. Instead, I rather talk about the spoils I got during these trips. In good ol' SF, I got a ton of wonderful goodies! In due time, I'll talk about all that more. I even may want to start blogging about my record store hauls and so forth. Dunno, that sounds a little more my speed.

Not that talking about vacations aren't ever gonna appear on here again. They will, just not in obsessive recap form that reveals a wee too much about the places I stayed and so forth.

Either way, sorry for the confusion, y'all.

Richard Matheson: 1926-2013

A literary icon has left this earth yesterday. The news came to me via Joe Hill's Twitter. At first it was dismissed as only a rumor without much to go on. As time flowed on, it was revealed to be the truth, much to the heartbreak of family and friends and fans. Mr. Hill's last tweet on the matter was a tact and ardent "oh f***". And as they say, there you have it.

The man who dreamed up a Heaven so beautiful with a Hell that fascinated and terrified us in What Dreams May Come, the man who made time travel a fantastic and scary affair in Somewhere in Time, made vampires scary and awesome in I Am Legend, and even wrote some excellent Twilight Zone episodes; Mr. Matheson dared to make some genuinely scary things and also find the beauty within the shadows and murky humanity.

I can't even begin tell y'all how much of an impact What Dreams May Come had on me. But my personal favorite moment would be that shortly after my sister read it (after I did and told her about it; at this point, we only seen the movie), we loved the ideas presented in it so much that we wanted to start a religion based on it. While the movie captured it visually, the book is so much of a masterpiece of spirituality and life after death. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do it now.

Condolences to his family and friends in this time of great mourning. And a collective hug and cry-fest to the fans and writers who loved him.

Thank you for everything, sir. You did so much and you are so beloved. I hope you knew that before your soul passed. Rest in peace.

June is almost over!

So much has happened since this month begun. Adventures to an old place and finding new things, prepping up for job searches, dealing with retail job things, and so forth. Not much else outside of that. Now begins the prepping for Camp NaNoWriMo, along with job searching, working on Blues' second draft, and beginning new habits (exercise, finishing my to-do lists in full, etc.), and other smaller tasks.

Here's to July being more promising for all of us.

Change of plans

For Camp NaNoWriMo, just the last two NaNo projects. I was being stupidly ambitious.

Letter to a Writer I Don't Really Like

Dear Ms. Pessl,

I tried to read Special Topics in Calamity Physics and by the 80th page, I had to stop. Once I did though, I didn't read a single thing for an entire month. Reading your book made me hate reading. I told everyone I knew that your book was not worth the time. Your book did something that Twilight couldn't even do.

But that was me as an immature jackass. I like to think I moved past all that. I would like to give this book another chance, since your new one Night Film is coming out and it actually sounds really cool. It is unfair to hold such thoughts and then really fuming over the past.

Disliking on an entertainer for their product is a waste of time. I got better things to be mad at. I hope to change my thoughts about your writing by reading them in full. Even if I still don't like your work, then I wasn't your intended audience. Nothing wrong with that. No more hate, only respect.

Hope things go well for your second book. And may I finish Physics in full this time around.

Yours,
Lindsey, an ardent bibliophile

Good to be back

Though I miss San Francisco dearly (mainly the weather and the sourdough bread... among other things) it is good to be back in Texas. The Spurs are kicking it in the Finals (always nice to see) and summer is descending upon us (just get it over with so we can get back to cooler days).

Like I talked about in past entries, I am on the hunt for something full-time. I declined a position to be the new kids' lead bookseller at another bookstore in town so I can easily part from retail without too much grief (and holes left empty). More than ever am I determined to leave and seek better things. With reapplying for grad school and rewriting some past novel projects, I feel that things are turning around in my favor. Especially after taking the trip to California; I learned to rely on myself and learn from my mistakes, enjoy my own company, walk the city streets without fear (and a pocket knife in my jeans pocket), navigate a city's public transit system, and take chances on various places and foods.

Yesterday was the last day for one of my co-workers, who is taking over some duties at a pizza shop that she owns with her husband. Such a bummer to lose a wonderful lady. Her leaving also made me realize that I need to work on the job hunt. There is a good chance I might not secure the first thing I apply for, but at least I can say I tried... more than once.

There is also the need to go back to my alma mater and ask them for assistance on the job hunt. They should know some things, after all, they owe it to me! /sarcasm

So there you go. An update. Make of it what you will.

I have returned!

After an epic four full days of touring, eating foods, recovering from blisters and ankle pain, and chasing MUNIs all over the city: I have returned from San Francisco! It was an amazing time and I plan on doing it again next year, but hopefully I won't go alone like this time. I enjoyed being by myself, but it is fun to do it with someone else.

I'll post the play-by-play sometime this month, but I won't drag it out like New York. And that's a promise.

San Francisco Bound!

Hello, this is the obligatory scheduled message from yours truly notifying y'all that I'm currently out of town for a week. Take this time to catch up on the archives here or for your other favorite blogs.

Until then, I'll be back!

Roll that "exit stage right" music, Mr. Prophet!



...

Wait... I do have a stupid sense of humor:

Sorry y'all

I feel like I've been going up and down on things these days (but dammit it won't affect San Francisco and future events!). I blame it on PMS and general stress. And the job thing I was talking about for a while now...

My mom was pointing out that she was afraid of me lapsing back into the state I was in last year. And you know? That was my fear from the very beginning. She helped me gain perspective and change how I feel about everything. It was then I was able to turn down the job and move onto future plans. I feel a great sense of relief and understanding about things now. As always, my mom has been a big help. And also, I listened to my gut. And my gut said "that's nice of them, but this isn't what you want". And there you go.

That and listening to this song over and over does help a lot. Damn, it's good.


*FYI: I am a huge Ladytron fan*

Huh...

Just when I was preparing for my upcoming vacation, I was ninja'd with some interesting news: another bookstore in town needs a full-time person in the kids' department and I was considered. Earlier in the month I had the interview. I went in and learned more about what is expected from a full-time kids' bookseller. It is kinda what I thought, along with other things I was surprised to know about*.

Either way, while it sounds promising and interesting (plus I won't lose my health insurance at the end of the year), I began to think whether or not it's actually a good idea to take the job.

To my utter shock, I was given the job. I was called earlier today and got the news. Yet after thinking it over and talking about it with my mother, I called back and declined the job. I'm sure they weren't thrilled about it yet I feel like this was the right thing to do.

I love working at B&N, but I'm ready to move on. I want to try out other things, take on different risks and tasks. Being a lead bookseller sounds good, but I want to move on. My hope was once I returned from San Francisco, I will start seriously job-hunting. Get the eff away from retail and get the life I wanted.

And that is what I'm gonna do.

*For the sake of being a good soul, I will not talk about these things, since it's none of y'all's damn business.

Just finished reading...

the second book of the Angelology series (Angelopolis) and whoo... dat ending.

Dis gonna be good.

This will be my reaction when the final book of the series comes out. I can't wait. I want to know how it will end!

This stupid post was brought to you by the post's theme song:

Mr. Petty, can you be that fun Southern uncle I never had?

*meme does not belong to me*

Camp NaNoWriMo Plans

So after thinking about it for twenty minutes (no really, it took me that long) I have decided to do the rebel thing and not write a new novel. I rather add more to Thorns (2011's NaNoWriMo project), which remains "incomplete" at 51k. And then last year's project, Spiders, needs some serious tightening up and continuity errors fixed (there's a butt-ton of them, apparently). And also, because I'm stupidly ambitious, do a second draft of my first one-month writing success: Blues.

Sure, with the news of the job thing happening (I have a feeling I won't get it, so I'll be searching elsewhere, which was my original plan), though it's still a dose of:

I almost had a moment of

But no, I shall persevere. I will do this thing, since I won't do it for November, since I'm trying for grad school again. And now, to choose the short story that will be my possible ticket to three years of MFA learning... and oh yeah, wasn't I working on Dolls?

Dammit.

*memes do not belong to me*

Sorry for nothing, y'all!

I'm just slowly getting ready for the big trip (six days and counting!) and dealing with stuff at work (including a "surprise motherf***er" of a possible job change, more on that later when I deem it time), so I'm all over the place and then not. It's a kinda weird state to be in. I have a few more things to get done before the trip and a course of action to take after the trip is over. More than ever am I determined to do the job search foxtrot. It is time to make a big change.

So here it goes. The next few months are gonna be jam-packed full of crazy and adventure. Let's do these things.

Favorite Internet Entertainers

I love me some Internet TV (as I call the shows I catch on the web). In fact, I follow quite a few series. You may have heard of some of them, maybe not. Either way, get yourself introduced to what I love to watch when I should be writing take a break from writing/editing for hours on end.

They all have one thing in common: they are humor-based. And are mostly done by dudes. Okay, that's two things...

Achievement Hunter
I have to thank my sister for this one. She's been watching them for a while before she told me all about them. It all began with the Minecraft Let's Plays. Oh jeez, these dudes are a funny bunch. And yea for regional love (they're based in Texas!). In case you're wondering, my favorite Achievement Hunter is Ray (my sister's favorite is Gavin). I love having their stuff on background as I edit my writing and/or goof around on the computer.

The Cinema Snob
He's definitely a preferred taste. Yet, I frigging love Brad Jones*. I'm a huge fan of dry, sarcastic humor; not much so of exploitation films, but I know so much now that I could be considered an acolyte. I did watch a Herschell Gordon Lewis film (Color Me Blood Red) after I saw the review of Blood Feast (which has some hilarious one-liners from Jones, like: "Wow, that shocked the acting out of him!"), which I want him to review in the future. That film was bad.

The Nostalgia Critic
Ahhh, I remember when Mr. Doug Walker was on YouTube. I ran across his review of Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue and was immediately hooked. He hit me right in the nostalgic feels over and over (with Space Jam, Twister, and Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird) while indulging my funny bone. He's hit and miss these days, not a huge fan of his new take on the character, but he still has his signature brand of shouty humor.

Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
Thanks to this show, I know way too much about this anime. Like how the game works and stuff. But man, I love this show to death. It is immensely funny and oddball, and doesn't update too often. Oh well, it makes each new episode a special treat worthy of breaking out the good beer and queso for.

PushingUpRoses
I started to love her work shortly before she left ThatGuywiththeGlasses (while on there, she was the solitary lady music geek and PC gamer). She's still doing her own thing, teaming up with LazyGameReviews (whose Sims 3 reviews are alone the price of admission) on occasion while doing the solo thing with old-school PC games. She's like Spoony, but less offensive and more punny (which, when done right, is wonderful). She also has an excellent blog and a mean artistic streak!

Vag Magazine 
I haven't seen an update from this show in a long time, but it's still funny. It's basically a satire of feminism and  its followers (see? Feminists do have a sense of humor!). I love the straight girl character, she seems like she would be me in that situation. Now that I look like it, it predates Girls, but it actually knows how to make fun of itself. Ms. Dunham, take note.

Freeman's Mind
I already loved Half-Life 2 and all, but this series made me love it even more. I love how the wonderful, brave, and noble Gordon Freeman is turned into an arrogant goofy jackass. I quote this show in real life a lot. My favorite thing to say is "this place is deeaaaaad", followed by "man, this place got whomped!" (often in reference to work). And congrats to Mr. Scott and his show: they are new additions to ThatGuyWithTheGlasses!

This post brought to you by the best YouTube video ever:




*Fun fact: He was the inspiration for a character from another novel I'm working on. She is an Internet movie reviewer, doing mostly random flicks like Courage Under Fire. She also wears hilariously big aviator glasses like the Snob does.

Random-ass announcement

I have decided, after really thinking about it for a few months, that I'm going to try for grad school again. After learning from my mistakes last time (not sending in my best work, etc.) and really changing as a person from the last time I did it (which was two years ago, for anyone who's counting); I feel that I'm prepared to try again. If I fail, I'll do it again, until my GRE scores expire (they last five years from the day of testing... I think).

In lieu of this, that means I will not participate in NaNoWriMo in November because I rather concentrate on the application. Instead, I'll do Camp NaNoWriMo in July! It's like the original thing, but in the summer! And with camping metaphors! I have no idea what I want to do for that, but I'll announce it in due time (and when I make up my damn mind).

And yes, I'll still be looking for a job even with the grad school thing happening. Whatever happens, we'll deal with it when it is time.

Quick question

Hey y'all, should I move my reviews from Jupiter_Nova back onto here or leave 'em on Nova?

I can think of good reasons for why and then why not to do it. I did put some effort to make my reviews blog (which I could return to when I feel like it) and moving all the reviews on there. I could also double-post, but that feels like "cheating".

I dunno. What do y'all think?

I have no idea... (tw: self-esteem issues regarding fat)

why I think I'm fat. I look at pictures of myself from last year (where I was either the weight I am right now or just a bit less) and I honestly don't get it. If the camera adds ten pounds (whether that's true or not is a whole other kettle of fish), then I actually don't look as bad as I thought. Now, in my family, the weight goes all over the place and not just one specific area of the body. I look like I have some curves (which I do) and that I'm broad-shouldered and built stocky (thank you German heritage!).

On the bright side, at least I haven't gained more weight. Something's going right.

If I was a betting woman, it would be that I drink water now.


I love how despite my thoughts, there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Gotta love perspective.

Misandry Is for Losers or Why I Almost Abandoned the Feminist Ship

Side note: this blog post is not for any woman who had been mistreated/abused/assaulted by men and they have come to distrust them. Y'all have my deepest sympathy and support. 

Earlier this year, I made a horrible realization. I was becoming the very thing I dreaded. Whenever dudes expressed an interest in helping the feminist cause, I rolled my eyes and claimed they wanted "ally cookies". I considered never dating since men were "basically scum" anyway. And I also became a bit hostile to the idea of men in general.

I was becoming a misandrist.

Sweet Lord, when it hit me, I about flew all the way to Milwaukee (who am I kidding, that would've been awesome. For one thing, all four seasons! ...I'll shut up). It was horrifying to see myself becoming that very kind of person.

The first thing I said to myself when I decided to become a feminist five years ago was "I won't be a man-hater" (the second being "if feminism excludes women in any way, I'm gonna go somewhere else"). I grew up with hearing the stereotype of feminists hating men and being generally hostile towards them. I wanted to subvert that and even consider men to be potential allies (which I do, believe it or not).

After realizing this, I looked back on my interactions with men. While thankfully I've controlled myself in public, there have been times over the Internet that I could've handled it better. I could've addressed my points without parroting a bunch of words and actually said what I wanted to say in my own way (like I'm doing here!). I didn't want to be one of those social justice folks that got angry and threw a bunch of f-bombs when someone posted something ignorant. Instead I wanted to address it with a sense of level-headed passion. In other words, I wanted to be a person that men and women could turn to and ask about feminism in general; leading them towards the sources that helped me shape my ideas and even form my own opinions on things.

I backed away from a ton of sites that weren't helping me in this regard (like ONTD_Political and even some tumblr blogs I used to follow) and opted to find more sources to help me explore politics, feminism, race issues, and so forth on a deep level without worrying about extremism. Let me be the decider on the fact I want to be a radical feminist, not have someone "tell" me I have to.

Y'know, it helps a lot that I was raised by a father who didn't take a look at my gender and go "welp, ain't teaching her nothing". He taught me a lot about people in general, home improvement/DIY, being independent, financial knowledge, and so much else. (In fact, he does laundry, cooks food [he makes a mean bowl of Thanksgiving mashed potatoes], and cleans the house; all without the assumption that he doesn't have to do it because he's the breadwinner and so forth.)

In all honesty, I think men can help in the feminist cause. There is so much they can learn, teach their fellow men, and do to help us women. There are times that they should step aside (like abortion rights, etc.) and times they do need to address problems within their culture (like rape jokes and so forth).

Like how I was the complete opposite of what I am when I was a teenager, I was in danger of going the same route. I want a healthy middle ground. And so, I stopped myself before it was too late.


P.S. And gentlemen? Misogyny is also for losers. Be like my dad and teach your daughters how to change the oil and don't expect your spouse to be a hired maid.

Why I May Not Return to Tumblr

There are such things as Tumblr blogs teaching people how to shoplift. One of them even said B&N is an easy place to steal from.

Alright, listen up, you entitled brats. Here's some breaking news for you: YOU'RE NOT SOLVING ANY PROBLEMS. You think you're getting the Man? The Man don't care. Really! If the Man cared, there would be more things us retail employees could do other than do our usual jazz hands.

(And the fact that people who need things resort to shoplifting shows us what the real problem is. Our society has an odd-ass view about low-wage jobs, education, living wages, and the like. All that seriously needs to be fixed. Taking it to the Man [I swear, last time I'll say it] is like giving someone a bandage for a broken back.)

Oh and by the way? Thanks for posting your tips. I now know what to look out for and I'll be extra-vigilant next time I'm at work. AND I'M TELLING EVERYBODY I KNOW AT RETAIL WHAT I'VE LEARNED.

With Two Middle Fingers,
Lindsey, a current retail employee

*memes do not belong to me*

My Favorite Blogs

I try to limit my time on the Internet so I can do other things, like reading and writing, but whenever I finish up a project or a goal, I love to settle down and read a good blog that makes me motivated to change things, stay informed on my loves and passions, and even entice a giggle out of me.

Unf*** Your Habitat
This blog gets "Funniest Blog Title Ever" for me. It is a blog on how to clean almost anything, from stubborn carpet stains to rooms with junk piles as high as Mount Vesuvius. It also has an iPhone app (Android forthcoming!) that helps you keep goals and motivates you with caps lock messages. Good times to be had by all, even those who hate to clean.

Adulting
Yea, there is a famous twentysomething that isn't making all of us look bad! She comes in the form of Ms. Williams Brown, a gal two years my senior who gives wise and funny advice on how to become one of these mystical adult things we've heard so much about. Her book is quickly becoming my favorite of the year.

My Beauty Bunny
Here is where I found the most help on CF (cruelty-free) products. They have a frequently updated list of who is staying CF and who is not (sadly it includes L'Occitane, who had the loveliest rose perfume I'd ever smelled). They also have great guest bloggers and tons of tips to look glamorous without hurting bunnies! Gotta love that.

And Then We Saved
I mentioned this blog before on here, but it's so good, I have to mention it again! A lot of my inspiration to save money and be frugal, etc. has come from this blog. I'm immensely happy to have stumbled upon it. Thank you so much Ms. Newell Jones! Keep doing your thing!

Flavorwire (mostly the music and book sections)
I don't know how I found out about this website, but one day, I discovered it, and the sections I love... and the rest, as they say, is history. I found a ton of great book recommendations from them, more than even NPR! It's likely that the demographic is for folks roughly around my age, so it would make sense that it all seems to appeal to me. Though their worship of "edgy" writers is a bit eyebrow-raising...

Under the Radar
Even though I no longer subscribe to the magazine, I enjoy their news page a lot. It keeps me up to date on musical trends, new releases (the main thing I keep up with), and tour dates for bands I like. That's how I found out that Editors and Franz Ferdinand are releasing new albums, and even heard song samples from them and even Empire of the Sun. Why not Pitchfork? Here, this should refresh your memory.

Lifehacker
Thanks to this website, I was more than prepared for my iPhone's arrival. I knew how to conserve battery power, what apps to try out, how to use certain apps to their potential, and even what to do in worst-case scenarios (thank God none have happened yet). This website also helped me with computer stuff and even things to do to make my life easier.

NPR
Okay, I know this a left-leaning news group. At least it is honest about what it is. Unlike something else (*cough* Fox News *cough*). Either way, the news I get from here are more than just local and even national, it covers the whole world. I do rely on other sources (see my FAQ for others) but when I'm in a pinch, I listen to NPR on the way to work and I'm caught up for the most part.

Tiny Buddha
When I was making the arduous but worthwhile recovery from years of letting depression and OCD rule everything about me, I was looking for positive and life coaching blogs to help me learn more about myself and life itself. This was the one that I loved the best and still find joy in every week (I get their weekly emails on Friday, so it's a great thing to do while I'm eating breakfast). I always find something that either will help me or a loved one.

Got a favorite blog? Share it below!

This post was brought to you by one of my favorite documentaries:

Some Random Thoughts on Depression

I've been reading quite a few DIY, minimalist, and life coaching blogs these days. Mostly to get a grasp on how to figure out life and what to do in a myriad of situations.

I've had depression since I was 19 and OCD since I was 13, so I've lived with these two ornery gits for a long time, almost half my life (at least, in the case of OCD). So I'm having to learn how to live with them in my life, but taking on a different role. A backseat one, if you will. One where I have more control of my emotions, how I react to things, and so forth. Prior to that, my emotions could be all over the place and even out of control at times (at the worst possible times too, like at work and even with loved ones). It was ugly, no wonder I really hated myself. I wasn't that pleasant to be around.

Besides doing a lot of psychological healing, I have to do a lot of physical (both bodily and outside myself) work too. I've mentioned about having so much stuff because I bought things whenever I was emotional or in need of something to fill the hole up that depression drilled into me. I've been selling and getting rid of a lot of stuff. I find myself not wanting as much stuff anymore, but save enough money to live off of feasibly. In terms of my body, I've been eating better and drinking more water. I save sodas and alcohol as treats but I rarely have it anyway. I enjoy treats like cookies and cake more when I have it less often. It makes me appreciate it all even more. Plus, I also put on weight when I was depressed (about twenty pounds actually).

I've been incorporating exercise (Pilates and running via treadmill and Zombies, Run!) into my life, keeping a journal both here and on paper IRL, looking for another job that utilizes my skills and keeps me on a good health plan so I can continue to be mentally and physically healthy, making plans for tomorrow and further into the future, and all this blog-reading has helped me save money and even budget better.

It is a long road of recovery, probably one I'll be on for the rest of my life. I'll stumble, have to pull into the breakdown lane (insert reference to Jerry Harrison/Casual Gods song here), and I may even have another episode. Who knows? But at least I'm more sure of how to handle it and even work through it if it gets to that point.

Yes, depression is not fun to live with. Yes, you will have to deal with it for the rest of your life. But it is better than the other option (speaking of death here). Just trust me on this one, my friends, from someone who's been on the brink more than once.

In Which I Reveal My True Reason I Want A Time Machine (or Lots of Money)

I love to tickle my brain with these questions Music Memoirs puts out. Today's is no exception: 5 bands I wish I have seen live, but haven't. Sadly, too easy... and kinda predictable (if you know me IRL).

1. Talking Heads (it huuurrrts...)
2. Radiohead (it also huuurrrts...)
3. Genesis (this may happen, if Phil Collins comes out of retirement and he's in good shape)
4. Bat for Lashes (y u no come down to Texas?!)
5. Dum Dum Girls ('cause why the hell not?)

Don't you hate it...

when you write something, think it's great, look it over and consider sending it out into the big 'ol world for others to read... and you come across a glaring continuity error?

Allow me to have the Beastie Boys express the reaction I had today when this very thing happened to me...

Okay, well good thing I'm not submitting the thing until next month.

Lesson learned.

*meme does not belong to me*

Baby Houses and Other Possible Avenues of Home Ownership

For a while, I considered getting a tiny house, or as I like to call them "baby houses". Don't know what a tiny house is? Check out this excellent definition from Wikipedia.

It seems like a great idea, downsizing to fit enough into a small space. Besides me and my cat, there would be all the stuff I could feasibly keep in there. The only issue I would have is where would I put the dang house? If it stayed at my parents' place, well why bother? Just live in the house already on the lot! And where else could I put it? I can't begin to consider it.

Sadly, my baby house dreams will remain only dreams. Though it is still fun to waste an hour or two looking at pictures of them.

Despite that, after thinking about it for a long time, I have decided I would rather own than rent. For some reason, I would feel better about it in the long run. It's a long time investment. Also, I have an awesome father that taught me a lot of things regarding home improvement (and then some), so it's not like I'll be completely ignorant on owning and maintaining (thanks Dad!).

The family home is very old, built in the forties, so there are a ton of things that most houses don't have these days (e.g. lead paint, asbestos, natural gas heaters [we still have all the vents for the space heaters throughout the house], giant backyard) so I would have some knowledge of older appliances if I happen to go that route of getting a home older than my parents. Not getting into fixer-uppers though, more like a time-sink than anything.

But that is far into the future. Dunno if the house will be in my current town or somewhere else. Kinda leaving that up in the air right now.

Doing What I Can

After thinking about it for a while (and reading the archives of And Then We Saved) I have decided to do a Spending Diet of sorts. I really want to have a nice chunk of change saved up in my bank for whatever things, and of course for San Francisco. In fact, I had two unexpected expenses to worry about: my glasses' temple bar broke off completely and my Fossil watch started to act weird. Thankfully I was able to find an exact replica of my frames on eBay for half the price I originally bought them for; for the Fossil watch, I got a battery replacement. So far, everything seems to be back to normal (?). My glasses fit great and my watch hasn't been acting like a doofus.

I also got my haircut at SuperCuts instead of my usual stop at JcPenney (their salons are awesome, but pricey). The stylist at SuperCuts did a great job and I only paid half of what I normally do at JcPenney (and that was with a generous tip!). Also been avoiding going out to eat and buying books and music (which hurts, I can't even begin...) Been utilizing the library more often and my job's book loan program. I checked out the new Joe Hill novel* instead of buying it (but Lordy I did want to buy it. I want to support Stephen King's son! I'll buy its eventual paperback release...)

Since the only thing I don't pay for is most groceries, this is still covered by my parents, I'm doing pretty well for someone who only works a part-time job. My car was a gift, though I do pay my share of the insurance. I pay my share of utilities (no rent, since the house is paid off. Go Mom and Dad!) I'm doing what I can with what I have at the time. I do want to move on to a better-paying job (also with great health benefits, since there are meds I need to be on, otherwise remain very healthy) but I'll have to make do. And you know what? Better to learn it now than later.

*Don't worry, B&N customers, I take excellent care of the books I borrow. And if I ever damage them in any way, I always buy it to remain fair and honest.

FYI: the title of the blog entry is a Lindsey Buckingham song.